    The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
    March 19, 1892, by Various

    This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
    almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
    re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
    with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

    Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 19, 1892

    Author: Various

    Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14365]

    Language: English

    Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

    *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

    Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
    Distributed Proofreading Team

# PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

## Vol. 102.

## March 19, 1892.

[pg 133]

## "ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?"

### Merchant of Venice.

> ["The entire stock of Hansard's Parliamentary Debates ... was offered for sale. The vast collection, nearly 100,000 volumes, scarcely fetched the price of waste paper."—Daily Paper.]

The Auctioneer exclaimed,—"These Vols.

Have neither fault nor blot.

I think that I, without demur,

May call them quite 'a lot.'

"Speeches by RUSSELL, PAM, and BRIGHT,

Good for the heart and head.

Take them as spoken; if you like,

Pray take them, too, as read."

But when the Auction did begin,

Bidders, alack! were lacking;

Back numbers hove in sight in shoals,

Yet seemed to have no backing.

"Then this," quoth he, "appears to be

The dismal situation;

Though from these speeches statesmen quote,

For them there's no quotation.

"The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,'

Hear WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE cry;

But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain,

Itself is all my eye.

"A penny! Really such a bid

I can't allow to pass;

A man who'd offer coppers here

Must be composed of brass.

"'Progress' I cannot well 'report,'

Unless this lot is bought in;

The only progress seems to be,

When there'll be no reportin'.

"Such priceless gems, such wretched bids!"

The hammer-man did shout;

"If you desire, I knock them down—

You first must knock me out!

"No higher offer? Then I'm forced,

Pray pardon the suggestion—

To take a hint from Parliament,

And 'move the Previous Question.'"

## ANOTHER SHAKSPEARE!

Mysterious!

The last play by M. BLAGUE VAN DER BOSCH has just been translated into English. It is called The Blackbeetle, and is a purely domestic drama. The following Scene from the last Act will give some idea of the exquisite simplicity and pathos of this great work. M. VAN DER BOSCH's admirers freely assert that SHAKSPEARE never wrote anything like this. It will be noticed that M. VAN DER BOSCH, like M. MAETERLINCK, does not always name his characters, but only mentions their relation to each other.

> SCENE XXV.—The Great Grandmother, the Mother-in-law, the Female First Cousin one remove, and the Brother-in-law's Aunt are discovered standing on the table, and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage on a chair.

The Mother-in-law. Eh? eh? eh?

The Female First Cousin one remove (pointing to Half-sister's Nephew by marriage). He! he! he!

The Great Grandmother. Ay! ay! ay!

The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage (shuddering). Oh! oh! oh!

The Brother-in-law's Aunt (to him). You! you! you! [The Half-sister's Nephew by marriage descends and resolutely steps upon the Blackbeetle. Curtain.

### ENTÊTEMENT BRITANNIQUE.

#### RONDEAU.

Mal à la tête, ennui, migraine,

We risk in trying to explain

Why, though the Income-tax is high,

This country never can supply

Such galleries as line the Seine.

Yet gifts are treated with disdain,

Which gives the would-be donors pain,—

We've now a name to call that by,

"Mal à la TATE."

Next time an offer's made in vain

MACNEILL, or someone, will obtain,

Or ask, at least, the reason why,

And even dumber folks will cry,

"By Jove! they've made a mull again,

MULL à la TATE!"

## OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Brer Rabbit.

Everybody who took delight in our old friend Uncle Remus will thoroughly enjoy A Plantation Printer, by JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS. The Baron doesn't recommend it to be taken at one sitting, the dialect being rather difficult, but a chapter at a time will be found refreshing. The like advice may be acted upon by anyone who has invested in the latest volume of the Library of Wit and Humour, entitled Faces and Places. By H.W. LUCY. The "Faces" are represented by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva BURNABY, and one of the Author of these entertaining papers. The first brief narrative, which ought to have been called "How I met BURNABY," is specially interesting; and the only disappointing thing in the book is the omission of "An Evening with Witches," as a companion picture to "A Night at Watts's."

By the way, in my copy of A Plantation Printer, the English printer has made one slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss CARTER, a charming young lady, is watching a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees "a group of shadows, with musical voices, sweep across the Bermuda fields."

"'O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss CARTER, clapping her little hands," and, we may add, dropping her little "h" in her excitement. "I can put up with the loss of an 'h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates would I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter," says

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

### TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER.

At first I loved thee—thou wast warm,—

The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin.'"

I tipped him as thy welcome form

He carried, with a grateful smile, in.

Alas! thou art a faithless friend,

Thy warmth was but dissimulation;

Thy tepid glow is at an end,

And I am nowhere near my station!

I shiver, cold in feet and hands,

It is a legal form of slaughter,

They don't warm(!) trains in other lands

With half a pint of tepid water.

I spurn thy coldness with a kick,

And pile on rugs as my protectors.

I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,

Thy parsimonious Directors!

## RICH V. POOR.

#### (A Note kindly contributed by Our Own Graphic Reporter.)

Nothing could have been more impressive than the closing scene of a trial that was one of the features of the present Sessions. The Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of hiding his emotion, and freely used his pocket-handkerchief. Many ladies who had until now been occupied in using opera-glasses, at this point relinquished those assistants to the eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative properties of bottles filled with smelling-salts. Even his Lordship on the Bench was seemingly touched to the very quick by the Prisoner's dignified appeal for mercy. Before passing sentence, the Judge glanced for a moment at the number of titled and other highly respectable witnesses who had testified to the integrity of the accused. Then he addressed the Prisoner:—

"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment which charges you with having misappropriated trust moneys. You have reduced a fortune of £28,000 to £7,000. This means a wretched pittance to beneficiaries who, before your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent income. I am aware that you are a distinguished Magistrate,—that you have belonged to many Clubs,—that there is not a slur upon the cooking that used to distinguish your dinner-parties. I know the severity of the sentence I am about to pass, and I wish my conscience would permit me to give you a lighter punishment. But I cannot."

The accused was then sentenced to five years' penal servitude.

A little later another prisoner was put in the dock for stealing twenty shillings. The prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to ten years' penal servitude, and seven years' police supervision. The case was of no public interest.

### The Modesty of Genius.

When TRAILL his list of Minor Poets drew,

SPRUGGE's friends exclaimed, "Why, SPRUGGE, he's left out you!"

To which SPRUGGE calmly answered, "Yes, I know it;

And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet."

FROM AN IRISH REPORTER IN A TROUBLED DISTRICT.—"The Police patrolled the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance."

NEW SONG OF TRIUMPH FOR SALVATIONISTS AT EASTBOURNE, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUM AND IRRELIGIOUS CYMBALS.—"Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray!"

DEMEANING THEMSELVES so!—Mrs. R. cannot understand our aristocracy being constantly Chairmen at public dinners. She wouldn't be a Chairwoman for anything.

WHERE "GHOSTS" OUGHT TO EXIST.—"Haunt 'un Street, W." It's an artistic quarter. [Is this Hornton Street? Possibly.—ED.]

PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE ALL THE BETTER FOR BECOMING TEMPERANCE MEN.—"The Lushais."

[pg 134]

### "DIVIDED DUTY."

Right Hon. the Minister for War. "SURELY, MY LORD CHANCELLOR, YOU CAN EXEMPT HIM FROM JURIES. THE 'REGULARS'—"

Lord Chancellor. "WELL, NO, MR. STANHOPE, I THINK NOT." (Aside.) "WE MUST MAKE SOME USE OF HIM!"

### LIVING AND LEARNING.

MISS SYMPEL, who has never been out of London, saw an advertisement headed "Salmon Flies" in a shop window. "Well!" she exclaimed, "I never knew till now that Salmon was a flying fish!"

"A cabinet Minister in the Casual Ward," was the heading of an article in the D.T. last Friday, and it turned out to be all about the Richie and the Poorie.

THE BEHRING SEA QUESTION.—Some delay at present, but immediately after signing we shall commence "sealing."

[pg 135]

## THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.

#### (A Story of Adventure not in the least Likely to be True.)

"Do you see what RITCHIE has been doing?" asked the Secretary of State for War of one of his colleagues.

"If you mean visiting the Casual Wards, after attending a meeting in the East End of London, I do," replied the Home-Secretary. "An excellent idea, no doubt, suggested by that old story of the Amateur Casual, which appeared some twenty or thirty years ago in the columns of an evening paper."

"But don't you think it is playing it a little low?" suggested the First Lord of the Admiralty.

"Well, I don't know," returned the Autocrat of the W.O. "After all, there is nothing like personal experience."

And then all three were silent, lost in profound consideration. Shortly afterwards they bade one another adieu, declaring that they had greatly enjoyed their Cabinet Council.

It was some hours later that a soldier, wearing the uniform of the Guards, appeared at the Wellington Barracks, and requested that he might be permitted to undertake a spell of "sentry go." He was not known by the Non-commissioned Officer on duty, but as his papers appeared to be correct, permission was given him to act as substitute for Private SMITH, who was next on the roster.

And about the same time a person, wearing the garb of a convict, made his way to one of Her Majesty's Prisons, and requested an interview with the Governor. His garb obtained for him immediate admission to the precincts of the gaol.

"Well, my man," said the Governor, when his visitor appeared before him; "what do you want?"

"If you please, Sir," replied the person in the garb of a convict, "I shall be very much obliged if you will permit me to have an hour or so at oakum-picking."

"Absolutely impossible," replied the Crown Official, "such luxuries are only allowed to individuals who have been properly introduced to us by a Judge and Jury."

"I fancied," returned the wearer of the felon's garb, "that an order from the Home-Secretary would smooth all difficulties."

"Certainly," admitted the Governor, "but such documents are only supplied to European Royal Personages, or other foreigners of extreme distinction."

"I have the requisite document," replied the curiously-garbed stranger, and he was bowed into a well-appointed cell, and furnished with the tangled rope for which he had petitioned.

And about the same time a sea-faring man applied to be rated on one of Her Majesty's Ships of War.

"Impossible!" was the immediate reply of the Captain, who was rather short-tempered.

"Nothing is impossible to the Admiralty," said the sea-faring man; "and, if you will glance at this paper, you will see that I have special permission from Whitehall to be mast-headed, or to undertake some other naval manoeuvre of a more modern date."

Suppressing an exclamation of a somewhat profane character, the Captain gave the required permission, and a few minutes later the sea-faring man was mounting (with some difficulty), the quivering rungs of a rope-ladder.

A few hours after the happening of these events, a weary soldier, a half-starved convict, and a sailor covered with bruises, met by chance in the common room of a tavern. For some minutes they were too exhausted to speak. At length, the convict declared that the organisation of Her Majesty's Prisons was simply perfect.

"I greatly doubt it," replied the soldier; "but I can insist with truth, that nothing can possibly equal the admirable condition of the Queen's Barracks."

"I don't for a moment believe it," put in the sea-faring man; "but I am prepared to swear that the arrangements of the Admiralty could not possibly be better."

"Very likely," sneered the convict; "and no doubt they could not be worse!"

Upon this the three men began quarrelling and boasting of the merits of the institutions they had recently visited.

"Pardon me," at length observed the convict, "but I have had some legal training, and it seems to me that you are both gentlemen of great discernment. Nay, more, I should imagine that your education is greatly in excess of that possessed by men of the same standing in the professions you appear to have adopted."

"Not unlikely," replied the soldier, smilingly removing his disguise; "because I happen to be the Secretary of State for War."

"And I," said the sailor, following suit, and emerging from his sea-faring garb, which now was found to be covering an official uniform—"And I am the First Lord of the Admiralty."

Before the two Ministers could recover from their surprise, the wearer of the convict's garb had also divested himself of a part of his costume, and the whole of his "make-up."

"You see you need not be ashamed of my company," he observed, with a smile, "as I am the Home-Secretary."

Then the three Ministers laughed, and each one of them insisted that his particular branch of the Government Service was better than the branches of his colleagues.

"Let us change costumes," suggested the Home-Secretary, "and try for ourselves. I will become a soldier, you can appear as a convict, and subsequently we might make a further alteration, and allow our friend of the Admiralty to try some oakum-picking." But both the First Lord and the Secretary of State raised objections.

"And yet," urged the Home-Secretary, "I do not think you would find much difference between oakum-picking and sentry-go, and a plank-bed and a hammock on board a torpedo-boat have each great claim to points of similarity."

"We readily believe you," replied the representative of the War Office, "and therefore further test is unnecessary."

"Quite so," added the greatest living authority on Naval matters; "and thus I think we can conveniently leave further personal investigation to such enthusiasts as Mr. RITCHIE and his Private Secretary." And so, perfectly satisfied with the result of their peregrinations, the Ministers again bade one another adieu, and, this time, finally separated.

### THE PITFALLS OF CULTURE.

Friendly and Sympathetic Footman. "WELL, THEY TELL ME, SIR, AS MR. BROWN, THE DENTIST ROUND THE CORNER, IS QUITE AT THE 'EAD OF THE PERFESSION,—IN FACT, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL 'PRINCIPLY FORCEPS,' SIR!"

[No doubt the good man intended to say "Facile princeps," but he didn't.]

A GREAT LOSS TO EVERYBODY.—It is a great source of disappointment to Mr. Punch that GRANDOLPH should have declined to be an Alderman. It may be a question as to whether he would have enlarged the sphere of his influence, but, by accepting the turtle, it is aldermanically certain that within six months our GRANDOLPH would have doubled his weight and increased his circumference.

[pg 136]

## "HAIR-CUTTING, SINGEING, AND SHAMPOOING."

#### (A Sketch in a Hair-dresser's Saloon.)

> SCENE—A small but well-appointed Saloon, with the usual fittings. As the Scene opens, its only occupants are a Loquacious Assistant and a Customer with a more than ordinarily sympathetic manner.

"You 'ave been losin' your 'air!"

The Loquacious Assistant. No, Sir, we're free to go the minute the clock strikes. We've no clearing up or anythink of that sort to do, not bein' required to pufform any duties of a menial nature, Sir. 'Ed a little more to the left, Sir.... Sundays I gen'ally go up the river. I'm a Member of a Piskytorial Association. I don't do any fishin', to mention, but I jest carry a rod in my 'and. Railway Comp'ny takes anglers at reduced fares, you see, Sir.... No, Sir, don't stay 'ere all day long. Sometimes the Guv'nor sends me out to wait on parties at their own residences. Pleasant change, Sir? Ah, you're right there, Sir! There's one lady as lives in Prague Villas, Sir. I've been to do her 'air many a time. (He sighs sentimentally.) I did like waitin' on 'er, Sir. Sech a beautiful woman she is, too,—with 'er face so white, ah! 'AWKINS her name is, and her 'usban' a stockbroker. She was an actress once, Sir, but she give that up when she married. Told me she'd 'ad to work 'ard all her life to support her Ma, and she did think after she was married she was goin' to enjoy herself—but she 'adn't! Ah, she was a nice lady, Sir; she'd got her 'air in sech a tangle it took me three weeks to get it right! I showed her three noo ways of doin' up her 'air, and she says to me, "What a clever young man you are!" Her very words, Sir! Trim the ends of your moustache, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Yes, she was a charmin' woman. She 'ad three parrots in the room with 'er, swearin' orful. I enjoyed goin there, Sir; yes, Sir. Ain't been for ever sech a while now, Sir. I did think of callin' again and pertendin' I'd forgot a comb, Sir, but I done that once, and I'm afraid it wouldn't do twice, would it, Sir? Sixteen her number is—a sweet number, Sir! Limewash or brilliantine, Sir?... And I know 'er maid and her man, too; oh, she keeps a grand 'ouse, Sir! (Observing that the Sympathetic Customer is gradually growing red in the face and getting hysterical.) Towel too tight for you, Sir? Allow me; thank you, Sir. (Here two fresh Customers enter.) Ready for you in one moment, Gentlemen. The other Assistant is downstairs 'aving his tea, but he'll be up directly

> [The two fresh Customers watch one another suspiciously, after the manner of Britons. The first, who is elderly, removes his hat and displays an abundance of strong grizzled hair, which he surveys complacently in a mirror. The second, a younger man, seems reluctant to uncover until absolutely obliged to do so.

The Grizzled Customer (to the Other Customer, as his natural self-satisfaction overcomes his reserve). 'Shtonishing how fast one's hair does grow. It's not three weeks since I had a close crop. Great nuisance, eh?

The Other Customer (with evident embarrassment). Er—eh, yes—quite so, I—I daresay.

> [He takes up a back number of "Punch," and reads the advertisements with deep interest. Meanwhile, the Loquacious Assistant has bowed out the Sympathetic Customer, and touched a bell. A Saturnine Assistant appears, still masticating bread-and-butter. The Second Customer removes his hat, revealing a denuded crown, and thereby causing surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the Grizzled Gentleman, who submits himself to the Loquacious Assistant. The Bald Customer sinks resignedly into the chair indicated by the Saturnine Operator, feeling apologetic and conscious that he is not affording a fair scope for that gentleman's professional talent. The other Assistant appears to take a reflected pride in his subject.

The Loq. Ass. (to the Grizzled Customer). Remarkable how some parties do keep their 'air, Sir! Now yours—(with a disparaging glance at the Bald Customer's image in the mirror)—yours grows quite remarkable strong. Do you use anythink for it now?

The Gr. C. Not I. Leave that to those who are not so well protected!

The Loq. Ass. I was on'y wondering if you'd been applying our Rosicrucian Stimulant, Sir, that's all. There's the gentleman next door to here—a chemist, he is—and if you'll believe me, he was gettin' as bald as a robin, and he'd only tried it a fortnight when his 'ed come out all over brustles!

The Gr. C. Brussels, what? Sprouts, eh?

The Loq. Ass. Hee-hee! no, Sir, brustles like on a brush. But you can afford to 'ave your laugh, Sir!

The Sat. Ass. (to the Bald Customer, with withering deference). Much off, Sir?

The B.C. (weakly thinking to propitiate by making light of his infirmity). Well, there isn't much on, is there?

The S.A. (taking a mean advantage). Well, Sir, it wouldn't be a very long job numberin' all the 'airs on your 'ed, cert'nly! (Severely, as one reproaching him for carelessness.) You 'ave been losin' your 'air! Puts me in mind of what the poet says in 'Amlet. "Oh, what a fallin' off!" if you'll excuse me, Sir!

The B.C. (with a sensitive squirm). Oh, don't apologise—I'm used to it, you know!

The S.A. Ah, Sir, they do say the wind's tempered to the shorn lamb so as he can't see 'imself as other's see 'im. But what you ought to 'ave is a little toopy. Make 'em so as you couldn't tell it from natural 'air nowadays!

> [The Bald Customer feebly declines this meretricious adornment.

The Loq. Ass. (to his subject). Know Mr. PARIS PATTERTON of the Proscenium Theatre, Sir? 'E's 'ad to call in our Guv'nor, Sir. 'Is 'air's comin, off, Sir, dreadful, Sir. The Guv'nor's been tryin' a noo wash on his 'ed.

The Gr. C. Ha, poor beggar! Wash doing it any good?

The Loq. Ass. (demurely). That I can't tell you, Sir; but it 'as a very agreeable perfùme.

The S.A. I think I've taken off about as much as you can spare, Sir!

The Gr. C. (with a note of triumph). Look here, you know, there's a lot more to come off here—won't be missed, eh?

The Loq. Ass. No, Sir, you've an uncommon thick 'ed—of 'air, I mean, of course!

The S.A. If you'll take my advice, you'll 'ave yours singed, Sir.

The B.C. (dejectedly). Why, think it's any use?

The S.A. No doubt of that, Sir. Look at the way they singe a 'orse's legs. [The Bald Customer yields, convinced by this argument.

The Gr. C. No singeing or any nonsense of that sort for me, mind!

> [They are shampooed simultaneously.

The B.C. (piteously, from his basin). Th—that's c-cold enough, thanks!

[pg 137]

The Gr. C. (aggressively from his). Here, colder than that—as cold as you can make it—I don't care!

The B.C. (drying his face meekly on a towel). A—a hand-brush, please, not the machine!

The S.A. No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all the 'air off your 'ed, Sir!

The Gr. C. Machinery for me—and your hardest brush, do you hear?

The Loq. Ass. The S.A. | { | (together, to their respective patients. | { | Shall I put anything on your 'ed, Sir? Like anything on your 'air, Sir?

The B.C. (hopelessly). Oh, I don't know that it's much good!

The S.A. Well, you may as well keep what little you 'ave got, Sir. Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital thing, Sir. Known it answer in the most desprit cases. Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and-sixpenny sizes. Can I 'ave the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny one, Sir? (The Bald Customer musters up moral courage to decline, at which the Assistant appears disgusted with him.) No, Sir? Much obliged, Sir. Let me see—(with a touch of sarcasm)—you part your 'air a one side, I think, Sir? Brush your 'at, Sir? Thankee, Sir. Pay at the counter, if you please. Shop—there!

The Loq. Ass. Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir? Like to look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir? Thank you, Sir.

> [The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and instantly recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a defiant glare upon his rival, and walk out with dignity. The Grizzled Customer after prolonged self-inspection, follows. The two Assistants are left alone.

The Loq. Ass. Pretty proud of his 'air, that party, eh? Notice how I tumbled to him?

The S.A. (with superiority). I heard you, o' course, but, as I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it delicate enough! When you've been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much of human nature, you'll begin to understand how important it is to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard me stoop to flattery nor yet over-familiarity—and yet you can see for yourself I manage without 'urting nobody's feelings—however bald! That's tact, that is!

### "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR.

### HORACE IN LONDON.

#### TO A WAITER. (AD PUERUM.)

None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter;

Call not "Potato" a "Pomme-de-terre, maîter

D'ottle." I'd rather you styled it "Pertater,"

As Britons, sure, may.

As for décor, let the linen be stainless—

Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless.

Crowns, indeed! Here's half-a-crown; you would gain less

Oft from a gourmet.

MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of The History of the Popes (edited by F. ANTROBUS), "because," she says, "I particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists."

SERIOUS CASE.—A patient who doesn't want it known that there's anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, "because," he says, "his visits then are 'sub Roose-ah!'" [Now we know what's the matter with him.—ED.]

## A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE.

> SCENE—Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him enter Mr. JOHN BULL.

Mr. Punch. Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you?

Mr. Bull. I want to know your opinion, Mr. Punch on the report of Lord WANTAGE's Committee on Recruiting?

Mr. P. Which of the reports, my friend? There seem to be two—one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary of State for War.

Mr. B. Can't they be lumped together, Mr. Punch?

Mr. P. Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are neither satisfactory, although they contradict one another.

Mr. B. So I think, Mr. Punch. What is to be done?

Mr. P. I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL?

Mr. B. Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and protection. If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it myself.

Mr. P. Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run.

Mr. B. To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother about the details of security from fire.

Mr. P. Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army?

Mr. B. But I do, and a precious round sum too!

Mr. P. However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England any and everything can be bought by money.

Mr. B. Pardon me, Mr. Punch, that's all nonsense. Abroad, they can get soldiers at half the price that—

Mr. P. (interrupting). Quite wrong, Mr. BULL. Soldiers are just as dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, the foreigners look after the fire themselves—they become soldiers, instead of securing substitutes.

Mr. B. What do you mean?

Mr. P. That you must either pay the market price, or go in for conscription. Your money—or your life!

Mr. B. Well, I really think I must consider it—I do, indeed!

Mr. P. And the sooner the better, Mr. BULL; and if you do not believe me, give Lord WANTAGE's Committee Report a second reading.

> [Scene closes in upon Mr. JOHN BULL giving the document reconsideration.

[pg 138]

### THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.

To our M.P., who rather fancies himself a great political force in the House. (Day before the Meeting of Parliament.)
"WELL, MR. BINKS! AND WHAT BRINGS YOU UP TO TOWN?"

## THE BOGIE MAN.

### (NEW AND STARTLING CIVIC VERSION.)

Gog and Magog sing, sotto voce:—

Oh, huddle near us, cherished ones!

Hushed is our civic glee.

The Voters, they have played the fool

About the L.C.C.

Oh, Turtle, dear—at table—

Oh, Griffin, spick and span,

I hear the Civic Fathers say

Here comes the Bogie Man!

Chorus.

Oh, hush! hush! hush!

Here comes the Bogie Man!

What hope, dears, when BEN TILLETT

Is made an Alderman?

Oh, whist! whist! whist!

He'll catch ye if he can!

Then vain you'll run, my popsey-wops,

From this new Bogie Man!

When we sit down to dinner,

My giant chum and I,

O'er calipash and calipee

We're both inclined to cry.

For if Progressist fingers

Once dip into our pan,

Aloud, but vainly, we may cry,

Whist! whist! the Bogie Man!

Chorus.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!

Here comes the Bogie Man!

Then hide your heads, my darlings;

He'll catch ye if he can.

Then whist! whist! whist!

This new Progressive plan

Would make our popsey-wopsey-wops

Slaves to this Bogie Man!

In vain the Times might thunder,

In vain the Standard squall,

To frighten little Moderates;

They paid no heed at all

When CHURCHILL tried yah-boohing,

Away the Voters ran

And voted straight, with hearts elate,

For yonder Bogie Man!

Chorus.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!

Here comes the Bogie Man!

He'll collar all our civic perks,

'Tis his "Progressive" plan.

Oh, whist! whist! whist!

He'll catch ye if he can.

Heaven save you, my own popsey-wops,

From yonder Bogie Man!

Oh, pets, it gives us quite a shock

To think of your sad fate,

If you should lose your Guildhall rock,

And we be doomed by fate.

For BURNS our pride would humble,

No "giants" in his plan!

Oh, Turtle sweet, oh, Griffin neat,

Beware, yon Bogie Man!

Chorus.—Oh, whist! whist! whist!

Here comes the Bogie Man!

GOG and MAGOG, choice wines, good prog.

Are no parts of his plan.

Oh, hush! hush! hush!

He'll catch ye if he can!

Progressive "slops," my popsey-wops,

He'll give—yon Bogey Man!

Oh, ROSEBERY turned tr-r-raitor,

And LUBBOCK seemed to cool,

MCDOUGALL, now, and PARKINSON

May proudly play the fool.

London's delivered to be ruled

On the "Progressive" plan,

And "BEN" can bear the honoured name—

Ye gods!—of ALDERMAN!!!

Chorus.—Oh, hush! hush! hush!

Here comes the Bogie Man!

Turtle, be cautious; Griffin, hide!

You're under his black ban.

Oh, whist! whist! whist!

"We'll save ye, if we can,

My pretty popsey-wopsey-wops,

From yon bad Bogie Man!

### To Queen Coal.

#### (By her Fond but Poor Lover.)

"If thou art not dear to me,

What care I how dear you be!"

### BUTTER AND BOSH.

> ["Many customers who want Margarine will not consent to buy it under that name, but insist on its being called 'Butter.'"—Daily Paper.]

Oh, Wisdom, surely here your words you waste

On men who consciously deceive their taste;

Who cheating self are blindest when they've seen,

And call that Butter which is Margarine.

"Give me," 'tis thus their sentiments they utter,

"Firkins of Bosh, but label them as Butter.

Who cares for honest names? they're all my eye.

Decipiatur qui vult decipi."

[pg 139]

### THE BOGIE MAN.

"HUSH! HUSH! HUSH! HERE COMES THE BOGIE MAN! |  | "THEN HIDE YOUR HEADS, MY DARLINGS; HE'LL CATCH YOU IF HE CAN!"

[pg 141]

## "ON THE BLAZON'D SCROLL OF FAME."

> [To each man of the Crews of the three Life-boats stationed in the Isle of Wight, at Brighstone, Brook and Atherfield, respectively, Mr. Punch has had pleasure and pride in presenting an illuminated copy of the Picture and Poem entitled "MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFE-BOAT MEN," which appeared in his issue of February 13. The names of the coxswains and crews of these three boats, the Worcester Cadet, the William Slaney Lewis, and the Catherine Swift, are inscribed thereon (as they should be in the memories of all true Britons), as follows:—Of the Worcester Cadet, JAMES COTTON (Coxswain), ROBERT BUCKETT (Second Coxswain), ROBERT SALTER, WILLIAM BARTON, FRANK EDMUNDS, FRANK BUCKETT, GEORGE NEW, GEORGE MORRIS, GEORGE SHOTTER, GEORGE HAWKER, EDGAR WHITE, WILLIAM MERWOOD, and JAMES HEDGECOCK.

> Of the William Slaney Lewis, JOHN HAYTER (Coxswain), BEN JACOBS (Second Coxswain), ROBERT COOPER, W. JACOBS, J. COOKE, G. WHITE, W. CASSELL, T. HOOKEY, J. NEWBURY, J. COOPER, J. HOOKEY, R. WOODFORD, M. CASSELL, WILLIAM HAYTER, W. BLAKE, and W. HOOKEY.

> Of the Catherine Swift, WILLIAM COTTON (Coxswain), DAVID COTTON (Second Coxswain), JAMES COTTON, THOMAS COTTON, FRANK COTTON, JOHN COTTON, CHARLES COTTON, WALTER WOODFORD, WALTER WHITE, CHARLES HARDING, and B. WHILLIER.

> These names thus receive—as they deserve—honourable record "For distinguished bravery and gallant conduct whilst on duty on the occasion of the wreck of the s.s. Eider, January 31, 1892."]

On the Scroll! And why not? Be you sure that it bears

Many entries less worthy of record than theirs,

The rough sea-faring fellows, whose names now go down,

With applause from their Sovereign to swell their renown,

To posterity's ears. And right pleasantly, too,

They should sound on those ears; for, run over each crew

And you'll find that those names have a true homely smack

Both of country and kinship; there's JIM, there is Jack,

There is BOB, there is BILL, TOM and GEORGE, CHARLIE, FRANK;

Can you not hear them sound o'er the waves as in rank

They go down to their work, ringing right cheery hail

Through the shrieks of the storm that shall not make them pale,

Those bold Britons? They're brothers, sires, cousins, and sons,

For see how the "family name" through them runs

Those COTTONS could make up a crew at a pinch!

Whilst the HOOKEYS and WHITES from that task need not flinch.

Yes, these names sound as well on the Scroll, after all,

As NAPOLEON or CÆSAR; and when the Great Call

Of the last human Muster Roll comes, some plain "BILL,"

Whose business was rather to save than to kill,

May step before mad ALEXANDER.

Well, brothers,

(You BUCKETTS, and WOODFORDS and COOPERS and others,

Whose names he need hardly string into his rhymes,)

Punch hopes you may look on this Record sometimes

With pleasant reflections. Mere words, he well knows,

Will not—"butter your parsnips"—(to put sense in prose):

But you have his hearty good will, and you know it,—

Right gladly he takes this occasion to show it!

And when or wherever another should come,

Be sure your friend Punch won't be careless or dumb!

## CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.

### VI.—THE DUFFER AT WHIST.

#### (Continued.)

I am really fond of the game, which is fortunate, though my partners don't think so; but I am free to confess, that nothing short of an absorbing admiration for it and desire to excel, could tempt me to brave the sarcasms, even insults, to which I am subjected. Your thoroughgoing Whist-player as such—admirable in private life as I personally know him to be—the moment he begins the daily business of his life, seems to cast his better nature to the winds. At another time and place he would lend a sympathetic ear to any tale of woe; now and here nothing seems to interest him but his own immediate welfare, which he pursues with concentrated energy and earnestness. I verily believe that if, at one of two adjoining tables, the chandelier fell on the players' heads to their exceeding detriment, the occupants of the other table would scarcely lift their eyes or interrupt their rubber for one moment. Fiant chartæ ruat coelum—let the cards be made whatever chandeliers fall.

"When I come to think the matter over in cold blood."

The players at my Club are all good, one especially so, a retired Colonel of a West Indian regiment, of whom I stand in mortal dread. He has short shrift for any failings, even of players nearly as good as himself, whilst as for me! though he has never yet resorted to personal violence with a chair-leg, yet that would not surprise me; and my pestilent fate in defiance of all mathematical odds in such case made and provided, is to cut him as my partner three and four times in succession in an evening. I sometimes have glimmerings of sense, and in hands presenting no particular difficulty, if they contain plenty of good cards—can manage to scrape along in a way I think fairly satisfactory even—to him, though he never encourages me by saying so. But an awful thing happened the other night. I had played one rubber with him and won it, though it was only a rubber of two instead of a bumper, as it would have been if I had played properly—for being in doubt and remembering the adage, I had led a trump, but it subsequently turned out that the adversaries had called for them. Now I never see an adversaries' call, and but rarely those of my partner, unless when made glaringly conspicuous by a ten and a two, so I led this wretched card with disastrous results.

However, my partner accepted the situation with unexpected suavity, merely remarking pleasantly, as an item of general interest, "The only time my partner ever leads a trump is when the adversaries call." I smiled inanely—what else could I do? for I was dimly conscious that the stricture might have justification in fact. Yes, this was bad; but worse remains behind. In the last hand of the next rubber, my partner had four trumps; so had I; he had, besides a very long suit; hence he extracted the trumps, and we were left with the last two between us, mine being the better. I got the lead, of course, exactly at the time I did not want it; although everyone else knew where the smaller trump was, I did not, so I drew it from my partner's hand, and then led him a card of which he had none in the suit; this card, as ill-luck would have it, belonged to an enormously long suit, of which one of the adversaries had entire control. So this gentleman got in and made about six tricks in it, finishing up with the two; he therefore made with his spades all—indeed, I rather think more tricks than the Colonel ought to have made in his diamonds, each of which, now losing cards, he successively banged down with increasing anger and turbulence of gesture, as the enormity of my crime was borne in upon him. It was the deciding game of a rubber; the adversaries' score had stood at one, while we were at two, and besides, we had had two by honours; as they made four by cards, they went out—and so did I—not without an obbligato accompaniment on muted strings; unwhispered whispers of "confounded blockhead!" "blundering idiot!" "well, of all the born fools!" and similar objurgations.

When I came to think the matter over in cold blood, I could see that my proper course would have been to lead the losing card before drawing my partner's trump. I merely made a mistake (a fatal one I grant) in the order of playing them. That was all.

My friend goes on to make learned remarks about "American leads," "the fourth best," and the difficulties of playing a knave; lead him at once, I think, on Dogberry's principle: and "thank heaven you are rid of a knave."

The depths of my guilt may be guessed from the fact that many of my Mentor's explanations are Hittite to me. People talking of laying up a wretched old age by not playing, I should be laying it up for other people if I did play much. Half-crown points, a partner who knows how to score (those counters and candlesticks, or the machines with little bone grave-stones that shut up with a snap, bother me), and amiable conversation on well-chosen topics while the game goes on, make the kind of Whist that I enjoy. We used to play it in Common Room in the happy past; it was easier than Loo, which I never quite understood. The rigour of the game is the ruin of Whist.

[pg 142]

### THE NEW L.C.C. WAXWORKS.

There has not been time yet to arrange the Figures.

[pg 143]

## POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.

> "Sich a Nice Man Too!" is one of the latest, and greatest, successes of the clever Coster Laureate, Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, who, "Funny without being Vulgar," proves that he, the Muse of the Market Cart, and Bard of the Barrow, "Knocks 'em in the Old Kent Road,"—and elsewhere—with well-deserved success. As is ever the case with the works of genuine genius, "liberal applications lie" in his "patter" songs, the enjoyment of which need by no means be confined to the Coster and his chums. For example, at Caucus-Conferences and places where they sing—and shout—the following might be rendered with relish:—

### No. VII.—SICH A SMART MAN TOO!

#### (Coster-Jim on Corkus-Joe.)

There's party-men yer meets about

What wins yer 'eart instanter;

Of their success there's ne'er a doubt,

They romps in in a canter.

There's one as means to lick the lot,

Brum JOE, the artf'llst dodger.

For 'im we Rads went 'ot and 'ot;

Sez we, "Yus, JOE's the codger!"

Chorus.

Sich a smart man too! Sich a very smart man!

No Tory pride, no toffish affectation!

Yet 'e somehow makes yer feel

That in 'im yer 'ave to deal

With a gent, if not by buth, by edgercation!

'E made 'is pile in a snide way,—

"Down on ther nail," 'is motter—

Went to the front, and came to stay;

Whigs might pertest and potter.

'Is game wos doin' the poor good,

And doin' of it 'andsome.

JACK CADE they called 'im,—which wos rude—

'Acos 'e talked o' ransom!

Chorus.

Sich a smart man too! Sich a very smart man!

No "Lily" pride, no blue—blood affectation!

Yet he somehow made yer feel

That in 'im yer 'ad to deal

With a gent by nature and by edgercation!

You ought to seen 'im on the stump,

Smart frock and stiff shirt collar;

Got up regardless, clean-cut chump,

Orchid for button-'oler!

'E cocked a snook at pride o' race.

We shouted "Brayvo, BRUMMY!

Peg on, we'll put yer in fust place;

Then won't old WEG look rummy?"

Chorus.

Sich a smart man too! Sich a very smart man!

No Rip wan Winkle HARTY affectation!

Yet 'e somehow made yer feel

That 'e jest knowed 'ow to deal

With the "Gentlemen" by buth and edgercation.

Acrost 'is phiz there stole a smile,

Like sunshine in November.

Sez 'e, "I'm for the Sons o' Tile!"

O yus, don't we remember!

We fancied JOE wos one of hus,

A cove we might ha' trusted.

Now you should 'ear the Corkus cuss

At the Brum bubble—busted!

Chorus.

Sich a smart man too! Sich a very smart man!

No orty scorn, no "arm-cheer" affectation!

One as somehow made yer feel

'E alone knowed 'ow to deal

With Allotments, Taxes and Free Edgercation!

'E chose to play at hodd man hout;

'E ain't the fust by many

Wot's tried to Tommy-Dodd the rout

With a two-'eaded penny.

It's broke our trust; 'e can go 'ome

With Toffdom for next neighbour.

'E won't cut Capital's cockscomb

In the 'Oly Cause o' Labour!

Chorus.

Sich a snide man too! Sich a very snide man!

And now,—but that's 'is hartful affectation!

'E would like to make hus feel

As he only "plays genteel,"

To give Toffs a Demmycratic Hedgercation!

## ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

#### EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, March 7.—JOKIM in a bad way to-night. People are wanting to know how it has come about that TATE's offer of £80,000 for Picture Gallery, with £80,000 worth of pictures thrown in to start it, has, after long correspondence with CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, been withdrawn. JOKIM rises to explain.

"What I should really like to do," he whispered to me, in confidence, "is to give him one for his tête, as we say in cribbage. But suppose I must speak him fair." Did his best in that direction though undercurrent of observation in lengthy paper he read decidedly set in direction of making TATE out as a cantankerous wrong-headed person who, proposing to bestow some £160,000 in way of free gift, expected to have his wishes consulted in such matter of detail as selection of site for Gallery.

"I venture to hope," said JOKIM, in conclusion, "that the door is not finally closed on the establishment of a gallery for British Art."

Young Father Dillwyn.

"That's not quite it," said Young Father DILLWYN, with hand to ear, listening from corner seat below Gangway he shares with that other eminent statesman, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "What we complain of is, that you have so managed matters that the door hasn't been opened."

"Ah, well," said JOKIM, wringing his hands, "it's no use my trying anything. Remember once seeing in dock of police-court at Lyons, a sailor brought up charged with some offence. On his arm was tattooed the legend, 'Pas de chance.' He told long story of honest endeavour, combined with strict honesty and tireless industry, ever frustrated by malign accident. In short, he was no sooner out of prison than he was sent back upon fresh conviction. He had no chance, and one time, in enforced retirement from the world, he indelibly inscribed the legend on his forearm. Moi aussi, je n'ai pas de chance. Ever since I joined this Government things have gone wrong with me, whether in Budget Schemes, when acting as Deputy Leader of the House, with £1 notes, and now in this affair, where I run my head against TATE (sort of tête-à-tête), and, though I'm innocent as a lamb, everybody will have it that I've muddled things and lost the nation a munificent gift. Pas de chance; cher Toby; pas de chance!"

Craig (not Ailsa).

HANBURY been looking into our Army Service, and behold! it is very bad. Condemns it, lock, stock, and barrel. Things no better than they were in time of Crimean War. Our Army costs more, and could do less than any in the world. Curious to find statement like this gravely made in presence of twenty-eight Members, all told, including the SPEAKER. Suppose it's true, Empire on verge of precipice, into which, on slightest impulse, it may totter and disappear. Hon. Members, in the main, care so little that they busy themselves [pg 144] writing letters, chatting in Lobby, gossipping in Smoke-room; the few present admirably succeed in disguising terror that must possess them as HANBURY, in solemn voice, utters his lamentation.

"HANBURY," said CRAIG, looking across the House at tall figure below Gangway, "reminds me of the old party that rust LOCHIEL, and told him his prospects in the next war were at least doubtful,—

'LOCHIEL, LOCHIEL, beware of the day

When the Lowlands shall meet thee in battle-array.'"

LOCHIEL STANHOPE recks no more than the Northern Chieftain; makes speech nearly two hours long, proving to empty, but interested Benches, that never since Peninsular War had Great Britain an Army so large or so fully equipped. When midnight struck, the few Members present shook themselves, yawned, and went home. Business done.—In Committee on Army Estimates.

Mr. Swift MacNeill's little joke.

Tuesday.—Never saw in the flesh procession of Russian Convicts starting on their journey to Siberia. Have read about it, though; have even seen pictures thereof. The most saddening and soul-depressing of these came back to mind just now, when PULESTON, PELLY and BURDETT-COUTTS forlornly filed forth at command of Chairman of Committees, amid cheers of heartless Opposition. If they'd only been a little more ragged in appearance, and, above all, if they had been connected by leg-chain, illusion would have been complete. Members on Front Benches, as they passed them, wearily faring forth, could not have resisted natural impulse to feel in their waistcoat pocket for a kopec or two to bestow upon the unfortunates.

It was the suddenness of the sentence, the swift falling of the blow, that made it so cruelly heavy. Last Friday these three Members had supported a vote subsidising East Africa Co. in matter of preliminary expenses of railway through their territory. Someone had discovered they were pecuniarily interested in undertaking. To-day SWIFT MACNEILL raised the question of parliamentary law in such cases. Moved Resolution that vote of three Members be disallowed.

Nothing could exceed gentleness of MACNEILL's demeanour. Rather in sorrow than in anger he moved in the matter, anxious, as all Irish Members are, for purity of Parliamentary practice and sanctity of constitutional principles. Almost blubbered in BURDETT-COUTTS's waistcoat; embraced PELLY and PULESTON in comprehensive smile of amity.

Encouraged by this attitude, the three Members assumed easy, almost jaunty, manner. True, PULESTON admitted he would not have done it if he'd thought anyone would have made a row about it—"as the little boy said when he was being spanked for putting his fingers in the jam-pot," observed MARJORIBANKS, sotto voce. BURDETT-COUTTS almost haughty in his defiance of the descendant of the Uncle of JONATHAN SWIFT, Dean of St. Patrick's.

PELLY pensive in manner and enigmatical in allusion; felt it particularly hard thus to be placed in the dock, as if he were an Irish County Councillor under Prince ARTHUR's new Bill. Only last Friday, in debate preceding the very Division now under discussion, he had delivered an Address which disclosed intimate acquaintance with topographical bearings of rarely trodden wilds in Central Africa. Had shown how an Agent of East Africa Company, setting forth from So-and-so, had, after perilous passage, reached So-on. After a night of broken rest, his pillow soothed by the roar of GRANDOLPH's nine lions, he had set out again. Crossing the River So-forth he wandered for hours, carrying the flag of his country through the limitless plains of Etcetera.

House listened entranced, whilst PELLY hurried them from So-on to So-forth.

"Excellent speech," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, himself not unfamiliar with land-surveying; "but the country seems a little monotonously named."

"It's not that," cried PELLY, interrupting; "the fact is, I can't pronounce the names in the despatches, and call them So-on."

House delighted with this explanation; PELLY found himself at one bound in front rank of Parliamentary orators. This only last Friday; to-day called upon to defend himself from charge of breaking written law of Parliament. Bad this, but worse to come. When PELLY's pensive voice died away, COURTNEY rose from Chair and sternly said, "In accordance with practice of the House, the three Hon. Members will now withdraw." So they strode forth, clothed with innocence. PULESTON first, with ghastly smile on his face; BURDETT-COUTTS next, wondering what they would think of this in Stratton Street; PELLY bringing up the rear, the forlornest file that ever passed between ranks of jeering spectators, slowly making their way from So-on to So-forth. Business done.—None.

The Salvationist Solicitor-General.

Thursday.—"The Leadership isn't all beer and skittles, is it?" I said to Prince ARTHUR just now, trying to put the best face on a melancholy business.

"No," he said, shortly, "and it isn't public business at all."

Quite true. What officers in command of sham-fights call "the general idea" of the Sitting to-night, was—questions beginning at half-past three; over probably at four; House in Committee; take up Army Estimates; peg away at them till midnight; then "Who goes home?" Time-table of what actually took place slightly, but firmly different. House met at three; prayers, which appropriately prefaced HENRY FOWLER's motion to permit Salvation Army to go its own way on quiet Sabbaths at Eastbourne. Debated this till twenty minutes past six, the SOLICITOR-GENERAL heartily joining in the service; then questions, seventy or eighty of them, not seven or eight of public interest, the rest of character that might be raised on dull days in Vestry-hall.

At half-past seven, time to dress for dinner. Still, Members think they'll just wait and see business commenced. "Instead of which," as the Judge said, up gets SWIFT MACNEILL, asking permission to move Adjournment of House in order to discuss famine in India, and shortcomings of Indian Government. SPEAKER invites those who support application to rise in their places. Gentlemen below the Gangway, with hearts bleeding for famished fellow-creatures in far-off Ind (subject reminds them, by the way, that dinner is nearly ready), leap to their feet. Twice the forty necessary thus forthcoming; leave given, and SWIFT MACNEILL proceeds to open his budget. Then strange thing happens. The eighty Gentlemen who sprang up to secure hearing for MACNEILL, being on their legs, conclude that, as it's so near dinner-time, scarcely worth while resuming their seat; so they bundle forth, MACNEILL, somewhat ungratefully (for they had secured his opportunity) urging them to "be off, if they didn't want to hear about the sufferings of their fellow-creatures."

At ten o'clock MACNEILL episode closed. Prince ARTHUR moved, with intent to expedite business, a Resolution taking Report of Supply after midnight. Talked on this till twenty minutes to twelve. Business reached at last, but since Debate closes at midnight, no time to do anything. Committee of Supply accordingly postponed, and Members begin chatting about Gresham College, admitting in course of conversation that there is nothing to talk about, since Government have adopted suggestion of objectors to scheme.

Business done.—None.

Friday.—MACNEILL the Avenger to the front again, with his Motion about the Siberian Exiles. "JEMMY" LOWTHER, in most judicial manner, supports Motion, that votes of PELLY, PULESTON and BURDETT-COUTTS on Mombasa Affair shall be struck out. Prince ARTHUR argues on other side; Mr. G. throws weight of his authority into scale against the Exiles; JOKIM feebly attempts to reply. On Division, in full House, Government defeated by five votes. MACNEILL's smile, as he announced the figures, simply enormous. "At first I thought it was an earthquake," said STANHOPE, shuddering. Nerves shattered by second defeat of Government in the week. Business done.—Looks as if the Government's was—very nearly.

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

    End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
    102, March 19, 1892, by Various

    *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

    ***** This file should be named 14365-h.htm or 14365-h.zip *****
    This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
            https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/6/14365/

    Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
    Distributed Proofreading Team

    Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
    will be renamed.

    Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
    one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
    (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
    permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
    set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
    copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
    protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
    Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
    charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
    do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
    rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
    such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
    research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
    practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
    subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
    redistribution.

    *** START: FULL LICENSE ***

    THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
    PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

    To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
    distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
    (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
    Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
    Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
    https://gutenberg.org/license).

    Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic works

    1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
    and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
    (trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
    the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
    all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
    If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
    terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
    entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

    1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
    used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
    agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
    things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
    even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
    paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
    and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

    1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
    or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
    collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
    individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
    located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
    copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
    works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
    are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
    Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
    freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
    this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
    the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
    keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
    Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

    1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
    what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
    a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
    the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
    before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
    creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
    Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
    the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
    States.

    1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

    1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
    access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
    whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
    phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
    Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
    copied or distributed:

    This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
    almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
    re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
    with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

    1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
    from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
    posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
    and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
    or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
    with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
    work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
    through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
    Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
    1.E.9.

    1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
    with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
    must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
    terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
    to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
    permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

    1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
    License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
    work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

    1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
    electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
    prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
    active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
    Gutenberg-tm License.

    1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
    compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
    word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
    distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
    "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
    posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
    you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
    copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
    request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
    form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
    License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

    1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
    performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
    unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

    1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
    access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
    that

    - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
         the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
         you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
         owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
         has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
         Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
         must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
         prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
         returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
         sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
         address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
         the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

    - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
         you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
         does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
         License.  You must require such a user to return or
         destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
         and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
         Project Gutenberg-tm works.

    - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
         money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
         electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
         of receipt of the work.

    - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
         distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

    1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
    forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
    both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
    Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
    Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

    1.F.

    1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
    effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
    public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
    collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
    "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
    corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
    property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
    computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
    your equipment.

    1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
    of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
    Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
    Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
    liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
    fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
    LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
    PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
    TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
    LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
    INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
    DAMAGE.

    1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
    defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
    receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
    written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
    received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
    your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
    the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
    refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
    providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
    receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
    is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
    opportunities to fix the problem.

    1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
    in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
    WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
    WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

    1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
    warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
    If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
    law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
    interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
    the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
    provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

    1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
    trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
    providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
    with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
    promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
    harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
    that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
    or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
    work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
    Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

    Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

    Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
    electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
    including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
    because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
    people in all walks of life.

    Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
    assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
    goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
    remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
    Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
    and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
    To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
    and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
    and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.

    Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
    Foundation

    The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
    501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
    state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
    Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
    number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
    https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
    Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
    permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

    The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
    Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
    throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
    809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
    business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
    information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
    page at https://pglaf.org

    For additional contact information:
         Dr. Gregory B. Newby
         Chief Executive and Director
         gbnewby@pglaf.org

    Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
    Literary Archive Foundation

    Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
    spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
    increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
    freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
    array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
    ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
    status with the IRS.

    The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
    charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
    States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
    considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
    with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
    where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
    SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
    particular state visit https://pglaf.org

    While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
    have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
    against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
    approach us with offers to donate.

    International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
    any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
    outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

    Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
    methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
    ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
    donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate

    Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works.

    Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
    concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
    with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
    Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

    Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
    editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
    unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
    keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

    Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

         https://www.gutenberg.org

    This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
    including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
    Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
    subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.