    Project Gutenberg's Cupid's Cyclopedia, by Oliver Herford and John Cecil Clay

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    Title: Cupid's Cyclopedia

    Author: Oliver Herford
            John Cecil Clay

    Release Date: December 30, 2017 [EBook #56269]

    Language: English

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# CUPID’S CYCLOPEDIA

CUPID’S
CYCLOPEDIA

Compiled for Daniel Cupid
by Oliver Herford
and John Cecil Clay

Charles Scribner’s Sons
New York : : : : :1910

COPYRIGHT, 1910 BY CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS

To YOU
And all whom YOU love
And all who love YOU

A WORD TO THE WISE

CONTINUE

## Authors’ Note

It has long been the belief of the authors that Love-making should be included in the regular curriculum of our schools. It seems to us the most important branch of co-education.

How few of us know how to make love properly, and how very few, after making it, know how to keep it!

So much depends upon the kind of love which is made. There are no artificial methods of preserving love, but the best kind will keep forever. Few beginners know how to make the lasting kind, and many, even, of those with vast experience are still quite clumsy. The only way is to keep at it.

We hope that this book will fill a long-felt want. Surely of all long-felt wants the want of love seems longest.

It is for the earnest student of True Love that we have compiled this cyclopedia.

O. Herford

John Cecil Clay

## A

A, the first letter, placed by Cupid at the head of his Alphabet, because it stands for Amour, Ardor, Art, Affinity, Affection, Adoration, Affability, Angel, etc.; also A is the easiest word to spell, with the exception of I.

The origin of the form of our capital letter A is supposed to have been an Egyptian symbol (see illustration) representing two people engaged in the ancient pastime called Kyssin, which survives even at the present day. A, by many supposed to be the oldest of the alphabet and constituting, as it does, the initial of Adam’s name, was doubtless the only letter in existence at the time Adam learned to write.

The words Ark, Antediluvian, Ancestry, Archæology, and Antiquity all support the above theory.

Girls like Adelaide, Agatha, Agnes, Alice, Althea, Amanda, Amy, Angelina, and Arabella, whose initials fall in this letter will be Attractive, Amiable, Artless, and in the opposite sex most attracted by those of Ardent, Ambitious, and Affable disposition.

Absence. The sixth sense, arrived at by the exclusion of the other five. A powerful stimulant to love. See longing. When combined with distance lends enchantment to the other five senses.

Adamant, m. A very hard word. See father.

Admiration. From admi, the Persian word meaning love, and ration, food; love-food or food of love.

Affinity, f. Ad, at; finis, boundary; at the boundary. The one one meets around the corner.

Alimony. The fine for speeding in the joy-ride of Matrimony.

Altar. The forge where hearts are fused. From the word halter, to hitch.

Amount. A foreign measure of Love.

Anchor. The symbol of Hope. See English word hanker, to long for.

Angel. See HER.

Appendix. See last page.

Arm. The arm is a muscular string connecting the hand with the shoulder. A man can give his arm without giving his hand. Coat-of-Arms (Cupid’s), Heart-shaped shield—Gules, pierced by an Arrow—Argent. Crest, on an olive branch, a Dove Proper ringed d’or, flappant.

Ashes. Fashionable Lenten head-dress. Especially effective when combined with sackcloth.

Avowal. A show-down in the Game of Love.

THE BATHING GIRL

FOUND ALONG THE SEASHORE IN GREAT NUMBERS DURING THE SUMMER MONTHS. THEY CAN HARDLY BE CALLED AQUATIC, AS THEY RARELY GO INTO THE WATER MORE THAN ENOUGH TO WET THE FEET. WITH THEIR BEAUTIFULLY TANNED ARMS AND NECKS AND THEIR SHAPELY, GRACEFUL LEGS THEY PRESENT A REFRESHING PICTURE TO THE TIRED-EYED, OFFICE-FAGGED WEEK-ENDER

## B

B is supposed to take its shape from the popular and industrious insect known as the Bee (see illustration). Others claim that its form is copied from the curves of Cupid’s Bow. In either case its chief characteristic is Busy-ness.

B is a letter beloved of all. Bashful, Bouncing, Beautiful, and Bonny, all of which pleasing attributes are the natural inheritance of the girls to whose lot the initial B shall fall. See Betty, Bella, Bertha, Bridget, and Belinda.

The most congenial qualities of the opposite sex will be Bravery, Brawn, Briskness, and Brains.

Baby. A small thing somewhat resembling a cupid without wings.

Bachelor, n. An immune.

Balcony. Cupid’s fire escape.

Beauty, f. An affection of the skin; taking but not contagious. Most popular American export.

Best. Best girl—see Her.

Bill. See coo.

Bird. See hat.

Blush. A weakness of youth and an accomplishment of experience. The pink of impropriety.

Bond. There are two kinds. The United States bonds and Cupid’s bonds of the united state.

Bravery. A quality looked for in man, found in woman. The personal adornment of a woman and the mental adornment of a man.

Breach, Breach of promise suit. A suit made to fit the devil, but sometimes worn by Cupid.

Break, to break hearts. Popular pastime of the American girl.

Brute, n. A husband.

## C

C is the curliest of all the letters. It takes its shape from the first golden curl, given as a Love Token by Cupid to Psyche, when he found her again, after their first quarrel, thus originating the Society of Psychical Research and the Engagement Ring.

C, being the initial of Cupid, has many of his charming graces, being Careless, Coquettish, Capricious, Clandestine, Clinging, and Curious.

These charms will also be found in the maids who follow the curly initial C.

Among the C girls are the following: Chloe, Clorinda, Clarice, Clara, Clementine, Catherine, Constance, Cynthia, and Carol.

The attractive qualities of their affinities are Candor, Coolness, Cynicism, Cleverness, and Cash.

Cake, Wedding Cake. A saccharine monument to the memory of Love.

Care. The Mother of Thrift and the Child of Extravagance. If you do not take it before marriage it will overtake you after.

Caress. A sort of dope; very enjoyable.

Cash. A sort of window fastener to keep Love from flying out.

Cad, m. The other man.

Cat, f. The other woman.

Chair. A small ingeniously constructed seat for two people. Called after Cheops, the inventor. The first chair was presented to Cassiopeia and now appears in the constellation of that name.

Cheese. Part of Cupid’s Menu (Bread and Cheese and Kisses).

Clock. A paradoxical chaperon who is least in the way when it doesn’t go.

Company. 2.

Consent. See Papa.

Coo. See bill.

Courtship. A picturesque gateway to a commonplace estate.

Crowd. 3.

Cure, of Love. Marriage.

Curiosity. The taper which lights the flame of Love.

Curl, f. A man trap. v. to curl. The dog curls up to sleep, the cat curls up to sleep, even my lady curls up to sleep.

Cynic. One who has been stung.

## D

D The letter D dates from about 967 B. C.

Hipopotamia, one of Solomon’s many wives, having been blessed with no children, had a little pet animal, presumably much like the modern lap dog, of which she was very fond and was forever exclaiming of it, “Isn’t it Dear!” or “Isn’t it a Darling!” Solomon would invariably reply, “No, Dog gone it!” and sometimes even, “No, D—— it!” Then Hipopotamia would smile, disclosing two very lovely Dimples.

Realizing the usefulness of such words, Solomon created the letter D, in order to be able to spell them. In the hieroglyphics of the times it was written as this fragment will show, the form being taken from Hipopotamia’s little pet dog, Hydrophobia.

D has turned out to be one of the most useful letters in Cupid’s Alphabet, beginning as it does, Dearie, Ducky, Dreams, Delight, Determination, and Desire. But it has an unhappy side in Don’t, Disappointment, and Despair.

The girls under this letter are all Darlings. See any one of them.

Darling. From Dearling, a little Dear—sometimes excessively dear.

Dear. Beloved—also expensive.

Dawn. A term for early morning, used by people who don’t have to get up.

Defects. What a woman loves a man for.

Delusion. Hope’s dressmaker.

Desire. Love’s partner.

Dimple, f. A pitfall in a garden of Blush Roses.

Doggerel. Rhyme without reason, generally written by puppies.

Dough. That which is kneaded. A slang word for money.

Dove. A tender fowl, popular both in poetry and cookery books. When too old to roast or broil, may be served up in verse as the emblem of conjugal love.

Dream. Fem. Term used by a woman describing a hat.

Mas. Term describing the woman used by the man who is destined to buy the hat.

Duel. The highest compliment two men can pay one woman.

Duty. A millstone sometimes mistaken by Cupid for a heart. What we expect in others.

THE TYPIST

## E

E The letter E takes its shape from the Elephant, in whose symbolical anatomy it plays the most important part.

It is the belief of scientists that no animal has been responsible for more exclamations expressive of amazement than the Elephant, the presence of “E” in E jaculation, E xtraordinary, E gad, E normous, is directly traceable to the close relation of the letter to that popular pachyderm.

The girls under E, for instance, Edith, Eleanor, Elizabeth, Elsie, Emily, Emma, Esther, Eunice, Evangeline, and Evelina, are distinguished for Ease, Elegance, Excitability, and Economy, and will be most attracted in the opposite sex by Extravagance, Eccentricity, and Earlyrising.

Escape. Divorce.

Eternity. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

Evil. A wile of the devil.

“Ever and for Ever.” The devil of a while.

Excuse. Self accusation.

Experience. An expensive tutor.

Eyebrow. A mustache worn over the eye. An incentive to sonnets.

## F

F The form of the letter F was first discovered on an ancient fragment of pottery by a German archæologist, in the shape of a sandal on what is supposed to be the foot of Achilles. As will be seen in the accompanying cut the heel of the sandal and the part covering what is known as the “tendon of Achilles” is peculiarly designed for the protection of that part of the foot which was the only vulnerable spot in Achilles’s foot. This can at best be accepted only as an ingenious conjecture.

F girls will be Frank, Fragile, and Fastidious, and those named Fanny, Felicia, Flora, Fidelia, Florence, Frances, or Flo will find their affinities in those of the opposite sex who are Fearless, Fickle, and Fantastic.

Fainting. (Obsolete.) A feminine manœuvre.

Fashion. Fem. The sum of all the virtues.

FIG 1

Fig, Fig Leaf. A Fall Fashion of a false modiste. See Fig. 1.

First. First Love. An appetiser. First Kiss. Much has been written about the exquisite joy of this, still it is unsatisfying, hence the Second, the Third, etc., ad lib.

Flirtation. A way for two people, who are not married to each other, to pass the time. As a matter of fact a flirtation isn’t anything, it’s a thing to do and is really easier to do than to describe. There are many sorts of Flirtation. The Every-day or Sidewalk Flirtation is the commonest kind. Other very popular forms are the Eye, the Eyebrow, the Fan, the Glove, the Handkerchief, and the Foot Flirtation.

A natural attribute to woman, but an easily acquired accomplishment in man.

Forever. Love’s promissory note (subject to discount).

## G

G The present form of the letter G is derived from the ancient Babylonian symbol Gee. The letter in its present shape is composed of only half of the Babylonian symbol, which is properly written GG or Gee Gee (see cut).

When we consider that without this letter there could be no girls in the world, we should be thankful for G; in fact we are in favor of its being made the National Thanksgiving Letter.

Gertrude, Georgiana, Grace, and all the girls of this letter will be Glorious with their Generosity, Gentleness, Grace, and Gaiety, and cannot be won by Gold or Gems. He who would win one of these must be Guileless and Go-ahead.

Garter. (See knee.) A species of serpent.

Gas, Gas-light. A light often too weak for one and generally too strong for two. “The fainter the gas the braver the beau.”—Shakespeare.

Girl. The beginning of trouble. An apple blossom in the Garden of Love.

Gooseberry. An unbidden fruit.

Gossip. Nothing to speak of.

Grass Widow. A Grass Widow is a Widow which makes hay.

TYPE FOUND PRETTY MUCH ALL OVER NORTH AMERICA

NOTE THE HEAD-DRESS OR WAR-BONNET OF FEATHERS. THEY HAVE ALSO VARIOUS COLORED SUBSTANCES KNOWN AS “WAR-PAINT,” WHICH THEY SMEAR ON THEIR FACES, GIVING A GHASTLY AND UNNATURAL APPEARANCE. THIS PRACTICE IS QUITE COMMON. SOME OF THIS TYPE, HOWEVER, ARE MOST ATTRACTIVE, ESPECIALLY THOSE FOUND IN THE UN-UNITED STATE

## H

H, the eighth letter of Cupid’s Alphabet, takes its form from the Hittite symbol meaning, “An Heir has been born to his House.” The symbol as shown in the cut represents two Hittite gentlemen shaking hands. The gladder looking one is the proud father, and is being congratulated upon the birth of his first son. (Girls did not count for so much then as now.) In later symbolic writing this symbol came to stand for a pleasant or good-natured greeting, as shown in such words as, Howdhy (Hittite), How (North American Indian), Howdedo (New England), Hello (Telephonic), and Hail.

It would be hard to reckon the immense amount of good this letter has done, for without Hell and Headache how many of us would be good? And O the joys of life! For without H where would Happiness and the Honeymoon be? And where Heart, Hope, Health, and Harmony?

Girls under this sign will be Handsome, Honest, and Home-loving, but those named Helen, Harriet, Henrietta, and Hannah seem to be easily Hypnotized by Hollow, Hypocritical Humbugs of the opposite sex.

Hooray!

Happiness. The mainspring of the good-time piece.

Heaven. “All in her eye.”

Heart. The ticker in the Bourse of Love.

Hearticulture. See Cupid’s Almanac.

Hell! An expression of petulance.

Hesitation. The thief of good times.

Honesty. A bunker in the game of Love.

Honeymoon. The sugar on the bread of matrimony.

Hope. “… the child of Care,
And pretty sister of Despair.”

## I

I The letter I spells by itself the most popular word in our language, though, under Cupid’s spell, the word “U” is more thought of, “You and I” being often the most happy of Cupid’s combinations. I is the most Attenuated letter of the Alphabet.

By some the letter I is supposed to have possessed originally a well-rounded and ornate figure, having been worn to its present thread-like shape by constant use in speech and writing.

When not acting in its popular capacity of First Personal Pronoun, I is anything but popular as a letter, standing as it does for Indifference, Irksomeness, Insignificance, Industry, and other uncongenial things.

I has a leaning to the cold and classic in its choice of females, some of its favorites being, Iphigenia, Irene, Imogen, Ivias, and Iolanthe. To these ladies the most appealing masculine qualities will be Irony, Idleness, Independence, and Impecuniosity.

I. The most popular letter in the alphabet.

If. The drawbridge to the Castle of Hope.

Illusion. Love’s tailor and Art’s servant.

Ink. The stuff that Bills, Books, and Billet-doux are made of.

Innocence. A moral vacuum.

## J

J, we are confident, takes its shape from one of Venus’s doves. We don’t know which one, but we think it is the Dove of Peace or possibly the Turtle Dove; we are quite sure it is not from the Ring Dove. To strengthen our theory we present herewith a cut of a fragment of a loving cup presented to Cupid at a dinner given in his honor by the Ancient and Honorable Society of Psychic Research, just when we cannot tell, for unfortunately the date is only left in part, but it must have been long, long ago when Love was very young.

There has been much controversy over this fragment, some claiming it to represent a Jay Bird, others a Duck, some an Owl because of the moon in its eye, but we are sure it’s a love of a Dove! Why? Because a Jay Bird is blue, a Duck has webbed feet, and an Owl a hooked bill.

It is a jolly letter and has been the beginning of much Joy and foolish Jealousy. The worst thing it ever did was when it started the word Jilt.

The men most attractive to such Jolly girls as Jane, Julia, Josephine, Jemima, Juliet, and Juliana are those of Just but Jovial disposition.

Jealousy. Cupid’s shadow.

Jest. See life.

“Life is a jest
And all things show it;
I thought so once—
But now I know it.”
—Gay’s Epitaph.

Jilt. An angel unawares. Originally Jolt, i. e., a jolt on the path of True Love which never runs smooth. Schopenhauer in his great work on Dutch Treats spells it chilt, and gives it as an obsolete past tense of the verb to chill.

Joy. The Libretto of Laughter.

June. The time to make hay.

## K

K The form of the letter K we trace to the Assyrian Cherubis Figure of Karubi, “the mighty,” who stood at the Gateway of Earthly Happiness and guarded the Pathway of True Love. It is strange that these composite boy-bird figures were also known as Shedi. The nearest word we have to which is the Hebrew shedim (devils). Unquestionably it is from the word Karubi that we get our word Kubid or Cupid.

The girls under this sign are usually named Katherine (meaning Pure) or one of its diminutives—Kitty or Kate. They are always Kind and extremely Kissable, while the men are apt to be Keen, Knowledge-seeking, and Knightly.

Khef. (Pronounced keff.) Arabic slang, to loaf happily, to invite one’s soul. The action of doing nothing.

Kindness. The larger half of the other boy’s apple.

King. The card that takes the Queen.

Kismate. A young lady one is on kissing terms with.

Kismet. Originally kiss met, meaning Good Luck.

Kiss. A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.

Kissing. See under mustache. A pastime of the unmarried.

Knee. An adjustable, animated settee designed for the use of ladies.

Knowledge. Dame Nature’s lover.

Knot. An entanglement.

TRUE LOVER’S KNOT

HALF HITCH OR ENGAGEMENT KNOT

MARRIAGE OR SLIP NOT

THE WESTERN TYPE

## L

Long, long ago, the God of Love was supposed to dwell in the Moon and was called Lameck (the Moon God). From the sometimes startling effect moonlight had upon the sentimental, it was believed that the moon-beams were the arrows of the God of Love (Cupid’s Arrows). Hence this symbol (see cut) came to mean affection, and from it came the letter L, ranking very high in Cupid’s Alphabet, beginning, as it does, the most important word in the history of the world, Love. This symbol was usually found, as in Cupid’s Alphabet, following the symbol of Kubid, and meaning that Love follows in the path of Cupid.

The neo-Babylonian characters are the most sentimental ever known, as they are made up almost entirely of arrangements of this symbol slightly conventionalized.

Lois, Laura, Leonora, Lucy, Lydia, Lucretia, Louise, and Lucinda, the women under this sign, are Languid, Luscious, Lackadaisical, and Loving; while the men are usually named Lionel and are Light-hearted, and Lazy.

Note:—It is interesting to note the Chinese use of the same symbol surrounded by tears , pronounced sim, meaning Heart.

Lap. A pillow. See Gray.

“Here rests his head upon the lap of earth.”

Lips. The two edges or borders of the mouth; the two fleshy or muscular parts composing the opening of the mouth. Generally used for kissing, cussing, and conversation.

Loneliness. An instigation. The married man’s meat, the single man’s poison.

Lottery. From lot, state; awry, askew. A cynical definition of marriage.

Love. A transitory derangement of all the five senses. The chemistry of attraction.

Lure. Cupid’s signposts, not always safe to follow. They may be found in many and fantastic shapes, such as a bow of ribbon, a stray ringlet, a side-long glance, a sigh, or a breath of heliotrope.

## M

M is so ancient that no one really knows where it came from. However, because of the fragment of the jar shown here (see cut), found just outside the Garden of Eden and representing two outsiders bargaining, the origin of this letter has been credited to the Hebrews, and is interesting in showing the politeness of these early people. Money, Moses, and Mercantile all strengthen this theory.

Girls of this letter will be Modest and will have Merry and Magnetic dispositions, and will be most happy when married to Masterful, Manly men of Means.

The one thing to mar this letter is its connection with the word Mitten.

Marriage. The conventional ending of a love affair. A lonesome state.

Memory. A thing to forget with.

Mirror (her mirror). Cupid’s cook stove.

Misery. Lover of Company.

Modesty. Conscious purity.

Mole. The exception that proves the rule.

Money. See Uncle.

Monogamy. Sometimes spelling monotony.

Moon. A planetary old maid who busies herself about other people’s love affairs and the recipient of love confidences.

Mrs. The O. K. of respectability.

Mustache. As Kipling says: “Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.” (?) The question was recently put before the Ten Million subscribers of The Perfectlady’s Home Journal, every one of whom, without a single exception, replied that she did not know—never having eaten an egg without salt.

A Masculine Note:—If SHE is an M girl you will be lucky if HER name is Malinda or Miriam or Mabel or Miranda or Melicent or Maud or Mehetabel or Magdalene or Maria or Minerva or Marion or Minna or Margaret or Matilda or Marcia or Marianne or Melissa or Martha or Mary.

TYPE FOUND AT FIFTH AVENUE AND 34th STREET ABOUT 4 O’CLOCK

## N

N is the sign of the negative, and is found first in the form of an eel on an ancient Egyptian tablet from a lady refusing her hand in marriage and slipping out of it in a nice and graceful manner. Evidently the symbol of polite refusal.

N girls, like Nora and Nancy and Nell will be Nice and Naïve and sometimes Naughty. It is not a popular letter with men because of its association with Nervous, No, Never, and Numb.

Nature. Dame Nature. The mistress of the House of Life, in which Love is ever the favored guest.

Neglect. A breakfast food of Love.

Never! A feminine sign of yielding.

No. Feminine for Yes.

Nothing. The boundaries of the Universe and of Love.

Number. (Cupid’s Lucky Number) 2.

## O

O has its origin in the Wedding Ring and is the symbol of Eternity. It seems to have been used by all the peoples of the Earth, as we find it in the Babylonian, Archaic, Old Aramæan, Cypriote, and practically in all writings of all times.

From its very shape it means happiness and content.

O girls will be Orderly, and in olden times were fond of Osculation. The men are often Odd, Ostentatious, and Overbearing.

Oceans. A minute measure of Love.

Oh! An exclamation meaning “this is so sudden.”

Onions. Should never be eaten alone.

Opportunity. An invitation of Fate.

Osculation. A game of chance.

Own. To possess. From onus, a burden.

## P

P in its primitive form was the symbol of pairing, being, as the cut shows, a combination of U and I. The sort of thing a bashful lover would carve on a tree or stone or scratch in the sand when taking a walk with his adored one.

It seems natural that it should stand for Perfume, Poetry, Pastime, Pleasure, Passion, Panacea, Paradise, and Peace.

In Cupid’s Alphabet, to prevent the slightest breath of scandal, it is always placed after the symbol of the wedding ring.

The girls who come within the pale of this letter (see Phyllis, Prudence, Pearl, Penelope, Pauline, Philippa, Phœbe, or Priscilla), will be Petite and Pretty and will have perfect Poise. While the men will be Polite and Polished, great Posers and Poker Players, but Pliable in the hands of woman.

Passion. The father of Tenderness.

Purity. The mother of Tenderness. Unconscious modesty. (See Modesty.)

Past. Something to be forgotten.

Patience. The tip Time gives to the waiter.

Pity. Love’s half brother.

Pleasure. True Love’s shadow.

Prudence. “Said Love: ‘How strange we never met before;
But now we’ve met, I hope we’ll meet no more!’”

## Q

Q, as shown by this ancient bit of sculpture, in its original hieroglyphical form represented a lover’s quarrel, and, from the cast of features, presumably an Amorite. This proves it of very ancient origin, as in the early times the Amorites were the dominant race of Syria and Canaan, which are named on the oldest Babylonian monuments “the land of the Amorites.” (See map of Amouria.) There are plenty of Amourites in the world to-day, but they show not the slightest desire to congregate, but, quite to the contrary, can be found wandering off in pairs at the slightest pretext.

Such words as Quibble, Quirk, Quiz, Quip, and Querulous seem to strengthen the unpleasant features of this letter.

Fortunately there are no Q girls; they would be very Queer if there were.

Question. Woman.

TYPE (A WIDOW) FOUND THE WORLD OVER VERY DANGEROUS TO MAN

## R

R This form we find first used as the symbol on the seal of Rabsaris, chief of the eunuchs, in the reign of Sennacherib, King of Assyria. The symbol evidently represents Rabsaris at his daily task of watching the ladies of the Royal Harem to see that they did not indulge too freely in sweetmeats. Some wit of the day twisted Rabsaris into Rabari, in Assyrian, to stretch, to Rubber, and so a new symbol in the writing of the times was born and we have the letter R.

Not the most cheerful letter in Cupid’s Alphabet, bringing with it as it does, Refusal, Regret, Remorse, Revenge, “Please Remit,” and that great hindrance to Lovers, Reason.

Girls under this sign combine the sweetness of the Rose with the fire and depth of the Ruby, and will be most attracted to those in the opposite sex of Reckless and Roving disposition.

Religion. “In the religion of Love the courtesan is a heretic; but the nun is an atheist.”—Richard Garnett.

Ribbon. A rope in disguise.

Rice. The confetti of matrimony.

Ring. Symbol of slavery.

Romance. Once upon a time. Seldom twice.

Rose. The hardest working flower in Love’s Garden.

Ruffle. A frill on the outskirts of good form.

Rule, Golden Rule. “Do unto others,” etc. Canonical extenuation of Osculation.

## S

S The story of S is Sadness.

Monday in the Garden and a lovely day. Just enough air stirring to rustle the leaves soothingly.

Tuesday, another such day.

Wednesday, if anything better.

Thursday, a wonderful day, languorous with the perfume of flowers. The birds never sang so sweetly, the butterflies never seemed so brilliant. The little silver brook fell into the lake with so soothing a sound and the drowsy hum of the bee was like a lullaby. Such a dreamy contentment seemed to pervade the whole Garden. Like the breath of a rose a caressing zephyr sighed overhead and creaked ever so little the old signboard nestled among the leaves. The old signboard with this inscription in quaint characters, “Quamdiu se bene gesserit.” Adam looked up from where he lolled in the soft grass and smiled as at an old friend. He stretched and drew a deep breath of content. The day seemed the most wonderful he had known.

Friday, Black Friday they called it afterward, broke clear and bright, but on the horizon great piles of black cloud and far off the ominous muttering of thunder. All nature seemed nervous and a-tremble. The breeze was fitful and petulant and the hush of some impending evil hung over the Garden. The old signboard creaked sharply. Poor Adam! (Poor Us!!!) There confronting him was this word in fresh bright paint,

“SKYDDU”

(See Note)

That night it rained. Oh, how it rained!

Because this symbol (see cut), pronounced es like the hiss of a serpent, can be traced back to the day the Adams moved, and which stood for Sin, Scandal, Shame, Sorrow, Scorn, Satire, Suspicion, Scowl, and Selfishness, people have been willing to accept Adam’s story, and the poor old serpent has been made the scapegoat in the whole affair.

We have gone very carefully into this matter, and we find that Adam was a lazy poet and dreamer and was put out of Eden for not paying his rent.

The girls under S will be Stylish, Sentimental, Sincere, and Simple in their tastes, while the men will be Silver-tongued and Smooth.

Note:—This quaint form of Dispossess Notice we find used all through the Stone and Iron Ages.

Secret. A feminine invention for the rapid dissemination of news.

Sense. The safest fuel for the flame on Love’s Altar.

Sensitiveness. A symptom.

Sentiment. Baedeker to the Land of Love. Tells you what to admire.

Sigh. The rustle of a caged cupid’s wings.

Silence. If silence gives consent, how is it women marry?

Sin. A matter of opinion. What other people do and we talk about.

Sofa. A receptacle for spoons.

Spoon. An arrangement for supplying nourishment to the lovesick.

Suspicion. A hair of the wrong color.

Sympathy. Love’s sister.

## T

T In Adam’s Autobiography we find, toward the end of the sojourn in the Garden, this symbol (see cut on this page) often used and always in this sense, “And being an-hungered we went to the and ate.” Poetic translators of these lines have been pleased to call this symbol “The Tree of Life,” and weave a pretty story around it which fits in with Adam’s folderol about the snake.

We find, however, much used in the Phœnician hieroglyphics, the most ancient of all languages, this symbol, the sign of the usurer or pawn-shop. This unquestionably establishes our version of this garden story. (See S.) The variation in Adam’s way of writing the symbol is due either to that extreme sense of delicacy which would naturally make him wish to disguise the unpleasant, or to sheer laziness. He was such a poet.

Girls fortunate enough to come under this letter will be Tender and True, and will be most attracted by Tall, Talented, Temperate men.

Telephone. Love’s Telephone Number:—Two Won, O Heaven!!

Temptation. Woman. Anything forbidden. A challenge. An invitation to don’t.

Tenderness. Moonlight.

Three. A crowd. Love’s unlucky number.

Time. Woman’s worst enemy. A cure-all.

True Love. An old-fashioned sentiment.

Trust. A love-preserver on the Ship of Joy.

Truth. A very painful irritant.

Two. Company.

TYPE FOUND FRIVOLLING ON THE STAIRS AND IN CONSERVATORIES

## U

U The old Assyrians, needing men for their many wars, did not believe in Race Suicide. The law therefore was that all men arriving at the age of twenty-three and not married must wear a yoke of wood about the neck until such time as they should wed. (Old bachelors were rare in Assyria.)

It is natural then that the yoke should have become the symbol of bachelorhood. The cut herewith shows this symbol from a tablet from the Epic of Nimrod. U takes its form from this yoke and its sound from the Assyrian UN, implying negation, as shown in such words as Unit, Until, Unsafe, Unacceptable, Un-amiable, Unblemished, Unbroken, Uncalled, Undutiful, Unburied, Unfashionable, Unfeeling, Unfruitful, Unpoetic, Unmarried, and Unwise.

U girls are usually Unsophisticated and Unaffected, and the men for them to marry should be Useful, Upright, and Urbane.

Un. A cantankerous prefix which contradicts every adjective it meets.

Union. A combination of at least two unmarried states.

Us. The plural of U.

## V

V originated from an early representation of Venus rising from the sea.

This symbol was used upon the “Ladies’ Entrance” to all the public baths of the ancients.

In Cupid’s Alphabet, in honor of his mother, this symbol was the last and stood for Veneration and Virtue, but as customs changed it became necessary to add the Wedding symbol.

From the fact that Venus had five sweethearts, came the use of this symbol to denote 5.

Valeria, Victoria, Virginia, Vivian, Vera, and Violet, the lucky girls under this sign, will be as sweet as the Verbena and Versed in every art to make the male heart Vibrate Violently. The men will be Vigorous but Visionary, and inclined to be fond of the Vine.

Vanity. Everything.

Variety. Is the spice of Love.

Victim. Bridegroom.

## W

W comes from the very sacred and beautiful symbol of Wedlock. One cannot realize, unless quite familiar with these ancient peoples, with what reverence they held this symbol. What poetry and romance surged through the mind of him who gazed upon it, what fluttering of heart, what dizziness. Yes, the ancients loved marriage. They adored it! Some of them were so devoted to it that they did it over and over again, Solomon for instance. At times the rush was so great that the clerks in the Office of Record would get behind in their work, and in their haste would neglect to make the hole in the wedding ring, showing the Bridegroom’s hand so in the symbol and giving the opportunity for some one to advance the theory that this symbol did not mean marriage, but represented the doctor offering a pill to his patient, meaning sickness. This is absurd!

W girls will be Wholesome, Winning, and Wise, and will be most happy when Wedded to men of Wealth.

Waist. The equator of Heaven.

Web. A net. An entanglement. Doubtless from the German weib, woman.

Wedding. A necessary formality before securing a divorce.

Widow. The most dangerous variety of unmarried female.

Wife. A darning attachment for the domestic machine.

Woman. The last but not the least of all created things, an afterthought.

TYPE FOUND IN THE SOUTHERN STATES

## X

X comes from Cupid’s own mark, used by him in the days before writing was invented and every one had his or her own particular mark to sign checks, I. O. U’s, and Love Letters.

We are indebted to the British Museum for allowing us access to their treasure chambers. There we find this mark on many dainty billet-doux left upon Psyche’s dressing table by Cupid.

The symbol, for many centuries, of True Love, and many variations of it were used; such as:

| I am overjoyed.
| I have the blues.
| Fly with me.
| Meet me.
| Meet me by moonlight.
| Let us be married.
| I love you not.
| Do you think you can support a wife?
| I will come to-night.
| I leave town to-morrow.
| Come back, I love you.

X girls are usually thought of with great tenderness by a man, but they are sometimes a considerable annoyance, as, for example, Xanthippe.

THE CHORUS GIRL

A MORE OR LESS NOCTURNAL TYPE. LIKE THE ENGLISH SPARROW, NOW VERY PLENTIFUL ON MANHATTAN ISLAND WHILE AT THE TIME OF THE SETTLING BY THE DUTCH THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY UNKNOWN TO THE LOCALITY. THE MOST WONDERFUL TRAIT OF THIS TYPE IS ECONOMY

## Y

Y A derivative of Wise.

We show here the central figure from a decoration over the entrance to the Temple of Cupid, and naturally supposed to represent the High Priest pronouncing the Wedding Blessing. With this before us it is easy to understand why Y is the parent of such words as Yearn, Yea, Yielding, Yes, and Yoking.

Another poetic minded archæologist has tried to persuade us to his theory that the romantic ancients, who were forever giving human form to things, symbolized in this figure the Waterfall. His theory is without foundation.

Y girls will be ever Youthful and are rare as Yttrium. They should be much sought after by You men.

Yes. Cupid’s password.

Yesterday. Regret.

You. Whoever you are.

Youth. The time we wasted. Cupid’s holiday season.

## Z

Z The symbol, shown herewith, from an ancient roller seal dating back to the earliest days of the Turkish race, shows its owner worshipping at the shrine of Kupid. (Hence the word Zealot.) The arrangement of his hair shows him to be a bachelor, so presumably he is beseeching Cupid’s aid in some amour.

A very similar figure is used in later symbolic writings, supposed to represent Zeuxis kneeling before one of his own paintings, and stood for egotism and conceit.

We also have the same form used so symbolizing the Path of True Love, originally written .

## AMORIA

(SEE MAP)

Amoria is the most ancient and honorable country upon the earth’s surface and is without question the most intensely populated. It is a green and fertile country, and the principal occupation of its people is hearticultural husbandry. The form of government is Home Rule, and to become a citizen, although born in the country, it is required that at least one complete journey be made from end to end of the country’s principal highway. This at first seems an odd requirement, but there is good reasoning behind it. First, as this great highway, known as the Path of True Love, in its devious windings touches practically every portion of the kingdom—the trip is likely to open the traveller’s eyes and teach him much of the resources and conditions of the country he wishes to call his own. Second, as the road is rough and in places sometimes seemingly impassable, the trip will test the determination and stability of the most hearty.

Turn to the map and we find Amoria bounded on three sides by Misanthropia, the State of Indifference, and the Sea of Oblivion, emptying into which the Quarrel River forever pours its flotsam and jetsam. On the upper side you will see it is bounded by the edge of the map; this is because it is too cold in that direction to sustain human life.

Map of the Ancient and Marvellous Countrie of AMORIA

SHOWING THE DEVIOUS WINDINGS OF THE PATH OF TRUE LOVE WITH THE MANY DANGERS AND OBSTACLES THAT BESET THE WAY, AND SHOWING, LIKEWISE, THE SEVERAL UNFORTUNATE BY-PATHS LIKELY TO MISLEAD THE WAYFARER TO A WRONG TURNING. WHEREBY MUCH VALUABLE TIME MIGHT BE LOST AND A LARGE DEGREE OF UNHAPPINESS ENCOUNTERED, BESIDES A RETRACING OF MANY SAD AND FATIGUING STEPS

Let us now follow, upon the map, the course of this historic road.

Far up in the corner of the map we find Mount Curiosity—its snow-capped peaks lost in the soft gray veil of mist that has prevented the scientists from determining its greatest heights. The ascent of the mountain is usually made on the side where it comes nearest to the State of Indifference (see note Y); here a well-worn path, known as the Path of Least Resistance, takes one by such a gradual and agreeable route that little or no effort is realized in the climb, and it is usually a surprise when, just a little below the frost line, one comes suddenly upon a little plateau high, high, in the heavens. Here the air is salubrious and the temperature even. The view is so wonderful in the early Dawn that the most phlegmatic will become enthusiastic. This little plateau is known as the Plateau Platonic and is quite flat. In spite of its beauty and charm few travellers are satisfied to rest here long.

In leaving the plateau one must have a care, for there are two paths quite similar in appearance—one leading up the mountain to nowhere and loneliness, and the other the commencement of the Path of True Love. The careful traveller need not mistake the path, for beside the entrance, at about the height of a man’s heart and nailed to a great Oak, is a crudely fashioned hand with finger pointing the way. This is called the Hand of Fate. Alas, too few take the trouble to look for this guide, and many take the wrong path; while those who, by sheer luck, take the right one are easily discouraged because of the very uncertain condition of mind they soon find themselves in. These usually lose heart before going a great way, or in their careless method of progress take some wrong turning and come to a swift and bad end.

But we will follow the progress of the traveller who believes in signs.

It is hard to describe those first impressions as one comes swinging down the mountainside and sees winding far out and across the verdant Valley of Dreams, dotted here and there with its picturesque castles, the Path of True Love like a silver thread. It seems so bright and pure, and off to the right there is such a happy pink glow in the sky, that one usually finds himself humming some old love song.

Lucky the traveller who puts a clover in his buttonhole, while crossing the Valley of Dreams, for all too soon the cold winds that sweep across Lake Indifference, and make the trip around it a perilous and discouraging one, will be chilling his marrow. He will need both courage and luck when, rounding the upper end of the lake, he comes upon the rough and rocky stretch of road running along the edge of a fearful precipice which overhangs the lake, and is known as the Height of Indifference; here one false step and all is lost. Past this danger the road turns from the lake, but the traveller has hardly time to congratulate himself upon the warmer conditions when he is confronted by a most disconcerting range of mountains known as the Mountains of Opposition. If you do not cross the mountains the mountains will double cross you, so push on and with tact and determination they will be overcome.

The mountains passed, a smooth bit of road is reached and brighter weather, that, after the lowering clouds, the storms and many obstacles met with in the mountains, will likely mislead the traveller into thinking his troubles over. Light-hearted he will push forward hurriedly, taking little heed of the fast increasing cold. Fortunately, just at the edge of the map and just upon the longitude of Respect, the road takes a sudden sharp turn, but it is almost from bad to worse, for it plunges the traveller into the Forest of Misunderstanding, a dark and dismal place that will fill the strongest with misgivings. The only way is to stick close to the road. This is sometimes hard in the darkness as there are many by-paths. Travellers once off the correct road have been known to wander for years without once seeing the sunlight. About half way through the forest there is a road turning to the right; it seems the easier way, dipping down, as it does, into a little valley and across a turbulent little stream, beyond which it disappears from sight in the tangle of brilliant foliage covering Mount Folly. Unhappy he who takes this turn, for there is many a slippery stone in the bed of this stream and the crossing is not a happy one. If one would turn back at the first slip, but human nature is stubborn and few do; besides there seems little choice between the dismal forest behind and the lure of Mt. Folly ahead. Folly lasts but a day, however, and the foliage soon loses its attractive coloring. The foolish wayfarer then pushing on finds himself again confronted by the turbulent stream, but easier to cross this time. A little way further the path ends at what appears to be a refreshing spring; it is the Spring of Untruth, and he who lies to drink of its waters will ever be a slave of the drug.

Again as one is nearing the edges of the Black Forest is another road leading off to the left and to the Spring of Mistrust. Turn not aside nor drink of this spring; its waters are bitter and this turning but takes one back into the depths of the dismal forest.

Emerging from the Black Forest of Misunderstanding the road winds across a fertile and easy-going prairie land, twice crossing the acid waters of Bicker Brook (see note 23), and crossing the Quarrel River takes its course along the foot of what, by many, is considered the most beautiful mountain in Amoria, Mount Unselfishness. The going is easy here, and when one comes to a little road branching off and running right up the mountain side he is apt to feel very little inclination to take it. Nearly every traveller knows by hearsay that this is a short-cut one should take, but standing at the foot of the mountain, with a broad smooth road on one hand and this little used difficult mountain path (it is hardly more than a blazed trail) on the other, it is much to the traveller’s credit who attempts it at all. Quite a few do, however, begin the ascent, but almost without exception have not the strength to continue and turn back to the main highway, only to be shortly plunged again and again in the cold and caustic waters of the Quarrel River as the road crosses and recrosses it. There are no bridges here, and many a poor traveller becoming exhausted in the mad battle with the current hopelessly loses all self-control and is carried away to be lost in the Sea of Oblivion. At the river’s mouth is Lost Hope Island; this is really nothing more than a bar, and superstition has it that there, on stormy nights when the tide is coming in, congregate those poor lost souls, and it is claimed, on good authority, that the discords of their mournful songs can be heard even as far as to the edges of the Desert of Absence.

After these several crossings of the Quarrel River the road again becomes easy and travel should be a pleasure, but the traveller is weary from the recent struggle with the river, and is almost thankful for the flat stretch of road where it first crosses the Desert of Absence. It were often better if this bit of road were longer, for before the traveller entirely regains his former vim he is deep in the unhealthy mists and quicksands of the Slough of Despond, and it is in a very weakened condition that he commences the second crossing of the Desert of Absence. In this condition is it strange that one loiter in the Oasis of Flirtation—the one bright spot in an otherwise dull desert? But an oasis and a flirtation have their limits, and when one’s thirst is satisfied one wants to move on. And well this is for the traveller on the Path of True Love, for only a little and the desert is passed, and the road leads for many happy miles through the sweetest and most beautiful meadow land where the warm sunlight, the songs of the birds, and the sweet odor of new-mown hay repay one for all the hardships of the past, and so stimulate the traveller that he strikes out upon the third crossing of the Desert of Absence with a light step and a song in his heart, and though the trip is longer it seems far shorter than either of the previous crossings. So happy indeed has he been and, with the soft airs of the desert making his heart grow fonder, the way seems so easy that the sudden obstruction of two of the lesser spurs of the Mountains of Opposition fill him with misgiving, and the valley between them is well named Blue Valley. (See note 13.)

In such a condition of mind the traveller plunges down the mountain side and is soon deep in a great gloomy forest, not likely to raise his spirits, but rather calculated to depress them still more.

Imagine then the elation when bursting at length from the depression of the Forest of Gloom the traveller sees before him that transcendently beautiful mountain, Mount Hope. Well may he hold his breath and gaze in rapture, for before him rises the most beautiful mountain in all the world and will ever be as long as life lasts. With its velvety slopes and shaded dells, its little silver rills tinkling down the mountain side, sounding like fairy laughter through the trees, the gently stirring air freighted with the perfume of myriads of fragrant blossoms, and over all a tender rose-colored glow reflected from the soft pinky clouds that forever tenderly rest upon the mountain’s top, it is indeed the most beautiful of nature’s jewels. So it seems, with Hope so long deferred, to that tired-eyed struggler upon Love’s Highway, often heartsick and oppressed by the vicissitudes of the way, for here he may rest and, gazing again out over the dear Valley of Dreams, rejuvenate the Yearning, the Ambition, and the Determination that have brought him through so much.

To these he may now add Hope, and so equipped and refreshed he dashes a second time through the Forest of Gloom, and though confronted by the most stubborn and rocky section (known as the Parent Peak) in the entire range of the Mountains of Opposition, his past experience and his added strength carry him over with little effort, and, coming down the last steep slope, his heart gives a bound as his eye follows the smooth roadway stretching invitingly across a nearly level expanse of well-cultivated country thickly dotted with the happy homes of those who had once been travellers like himself. If he be not short-sighted, he is able to see even as far ahead as to where the road and his lonely journey end in heavenly Mount Heart’s Desire. As he passes along many a cheerful face smiles out at him from the doorways, and many a cheerful word of welcome and greeting encourages him to hasten. The smiles of the rosy-cheeked children seem especially sweet to him.

The journey’s end! The goal is reached! Naught remains further for the traveller now except the Oath of Allegiance which is performed with considerable ceremony in the little church just around the corner to the left.

Note:—Mount Heart’s Desire is of an attractive shape and thickly surrounded by orange blossoms. No two travellers agree as to its height, but we are of the opinion that it must be about five feet, three or four inches. Within it is a little shrine called Trust, which it is the duty of every worshipper to protect.

Note Y. It seems more than mere coincidence that the Path of Least Resistance should run up Mount Curiosity on the side nearest to the borders of the State of Indifference, and there is a very ancient tradition that the first person to make the ascent came from that easy-going country.

We believe this tradition to be another version of the Adam and Eve story, and feel that it conclusively proves us right in our calculations as to the exact location of the Garden of Eden. We claim it was situated in that part of the State of Indifference near to and in full view of Mount Curiosity, and that Adam was the first man to make the climb. We also believe that Adam became lost on the mountainside and never returned to Eden, and that the Path of True Love gives a pretty good idea of his subsequent wanderings, of which so little heretofore has been known.

At any rate, vast numbers from the State of Indifference make the ascent of Mount Curiosity every year, and many of our best citizens have come from that state.

Note 23. At this point, after the more or less extended journey through the unhealthy Forest of Misunderstanding, the traveller must have a care, especially if he be of a sensitive nature, for the shock of the first plunge through Bicker Brook will often throw one into a distemper or fever. Some, going absolutely out of their heads, wander far afield. Herein lies a grave danger because of the nearness of the road at this point to the boundaries of Misanthropia, which state is little more than a barren waste. The peculiar mental attitude of its inhabitants gives strength to the theory advanced in Amoria that its population is made up of those poor fever-ridden souls who have wandered from the Path of True Love and gone quite mad.

Note 13. The higher one climbs the duller the thud. So with the traveller who has been dreaming across sweet meadow land and balmy wastes when suddenly confronted by a renewal of obstacles which his optimism had made him believe passed forever, and it is in a nervous and uncertain state of mind we find him groping his way through the mists that always fill Blue Valley. Here is a great danger, for with the steep mountains on three sides the traveller, if he once stumble from the road, is apt to follow the depression of the valley until morbid and benumbed he wander into the State of Indifference.

The same danger, in a lesser degree, is lurking in the Forest of Gloom.

## APPENDIX

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